Grandma's in the hospital. The dog died. A best friend moved away. You tell your kid, and he just stands there. Blank face. Then he asks what's for dinner.

People decide he doesn't care. He does. It just hasn't landed yet.

What's going on

• Feelings can arrive late. For a lot of autistic kids, big news gets filed first and felt later. Hours later. Sometimes days.
• The face doesn't always match the inside. A flat face is not an empty heart. Many autistic people say they feel things fully but don't show it the way others expect.
• Naming feelings can be hard. Research finds that about half of autistic people have trouble identifying and describing their own emotions (called alexithymia), compared with about 1 in 20 people who aren't autistic.¹ He may feel something big and not know what to call it yet.

Signs it's coming out

It rarely looks like crying on cue. Watch for:

• A question out of nowhere, days later: "Do you think the dog was scared?"
• The same question asked again and again.
• Changes in sleep or appetite.
• More stimming, or a meltdown over something small.
• Playing it out: drawing it, acting it out with toys, talking about it inside a game.
• Going quiet in his room more than usual.

That's the reaction. Right there.

When it shows up: 5 things to do

1. Stop what you're doing and answer. That question at bedtime is the door opening. Don't let it close.
2. Answer straight. Plain, honest, literal words. "Grandma is very sick. The doctors are helping her." Skip phrases like "went to sleep" or "passed on" if he takes words literally.
3. Sit side by side, not face to face. The car, the couch, a video game. Less eye contact means less pressure.
4. Answer the repeat questions too. Asking again is how he processes. Same calm answer every time.
5. Name it for him, gently. "It sounds like you miss her. That's normal." He borrows your words until he has his own.

What not to do

• Don't say "Now you care?" or "Why didn't you cry before?"
• Don't push "How do you feel?" in the moment. Most kids can't answer that on demand.
• Don't grade his face.

Leave the door open

Tell him once, plainly: "You can ask me about this anytime. Today, next week, whenever." Then mean it.

When to get more help

Talk to his doctor or a counselor if changes in sleep, eating, or mood last more than a few weeks, or if he starts talking about hurting himself. In a crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).

I'm a dad, not a clinician. This is what I've learned and what the research says, not medical advice.

¹ Kinnaird, Stewart & Tchanturia (2019). Investigating alexithymia in autism: a systematic review and meta-analysis. European Psychiatry 55:80–89. Read the study